Ramblings of a Burnout

I got a new room in Brooklyn. It’s on the other side of my building, and it’s two floors higher so I have a beautiful view out of my window, which is next to my desk. 

 If I look closely, I can see Laguardia Airport. Sometimes I’ll just stay up until sunrise watching the planes roll in and out. 

 I loved airplanes as a kid. I would watch them and think about all the people up in the air who were either coming home or going somewhere better. I would imagine getting on a plane and flying to Los Angeles or Tokyo or Kansas City. You know, all of the tourist destinations. 

 My Grandparents lived in Kansas City, and they had a pool. My Godparents lived in Los Angeles, and they had an ocean. Tokyo just seemed liked a neat place to go to, and it also had an ocean. Maybe that’s why I always associate flying with swimming. Nothing made me happier than swimming outdoors watching airplanes fly by. 

 I want to live my life guilt-free again. I want to have strange hopes and ideals because they fill my soul with joy and not because they’re a good financial decision. 

 I don’t want to be a comedian, I don’t want to be a philosopher. I hardly want to be a writer as much as I want to be someone who writes. 

 I just want to be. I want to drive around the country and fly around the world for no reason other than to see it. I want something other than my conscious mind to be a mystery. 

 I hate knowing that nobody knows what’s going on in the world. I feel as if we’re all so distracted by the drugs and the entertainment. 

 The old world seems so much better. I suppose they’ve been saying that for centuries now, haven’t they? And it’s not true. This world is one of the best we’ve had as a society. 

 So why am I not enjoying it? The nature is dying. By the time I’m 50, there will be no more flowers or trees or mountaintops. By the time I’m 50, the world that I know now will be a cruel joke that I’ll remember as a better, simpler time. 

 I want to learn, but everything I’ve been taught has been a lie. A man who is told nothing but lies all day will learn nothing but how to be a liar. I do not care what white men think. I am a white man, I know nothing, just like every other white man does. 

 But I keep trying. I keep striving for a better tomorrow and a hope that someday our kids will be able to understand the true value of existence better than I did. 

 Maybe I should stop going to school. Maybe I should start taking different classes. Maybe I should sell some stuff down by the airport, and make money that way. Who knows, man. Who knows.